My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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