He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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