isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
We're too hungover to prance.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
