I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
