hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
