I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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