Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
