You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Randomize
