Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
