You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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