GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I will be naked everywhere
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
