She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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