My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
