Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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