mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
50% drunk capacity currently
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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