Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
