I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
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Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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