he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
