Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Boobs speak an international language.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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