Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
