I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
