If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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