Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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