my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
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