Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
