Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
