i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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