shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
