how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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