I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
