Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
