Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
