oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
