I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
