yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
