Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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