So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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