you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
