Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
