Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
