I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
