if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
