Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
