I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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