brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
