I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
