So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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