I accidentally had phone sex last night
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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