If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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