weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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