If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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