happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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