omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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