my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
