it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
