I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
