I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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